It’s been 2 weeks since he told me he was moving back home to California because he misses home too much. He is struggling to figure out who he is. He is completely lost.
I was completely devastated and shocked.
I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I cannot help him.
He can only help himself.
I feel like I have been shattered into a million pieces:
Physically…it feels like somebody came in and erased my arms and legs and placed me in an alternate universe.
My stomach is in a constant state of complete free-fall . It physically feels like I am standing on the edge of the tallest building in the world.
The Emotional Rollercoaster:
One minute, I am fine.
One minute I am crying my eyes out
& the next, I am singing break-up songs in my car at the top of my lungs.
Making Sense of it all:
Even though it hurts, somehow, I understand his decision.
I understand his fear.
I understand his desire to fall back to the place he knows.
Somehow, I still love the way he creates certainty wherever he seeks it.
He has a way of convincing himself of anything…
No matter how epically right or wrong his decision may be…he will find a way to sell himself and everyone around him of his decision.
After all…that is what he is good at…
He made everybody around him T R U L Y believe in us [Including me]
There were so many obstacles I couldn’t see past…
But, he made me believe in us. He made me believe in Corey & Mo.
He reassured me time and time again that our fateful love could conquer all.
He assured me that he would never “dream of ruining an opportunity to be with the best woman he’s ever met”.
He certainly had me going…
If anybody even thought about challenging our love or decisions in any way…they would be quickly reminded of the true resilience our relationship had.
The love we had….it could literally conquer anything… or so I thought.
Have I been alone in love this entire time?
It wasn’t until I was faced with the reality of his limitations that I realized how totally and completely alone I really was.
All this time, I thought I had been a part of something so incredibly rare and true…a whole-hearted love that truly had no bounds.—
I thought that the Universe had truly shown it’s strength…it placed two deserving, incredible people in the same time and space to create something beautiful and admired….it created a dream team that would inspire the world…
In all reality:
There was just a girl.
A true romantic.
The most optimistic girl you have ever met.
She finally knew exactly who she was.
She made a choice to L O V E …unapologetically…
T R U LY
She was fearless.
She had SO much to give and she couldn’t wait to share it with someone special.
There was a guy who believed he could find happiness…one day.
He searched far and wide and finally found a love that could bring him the happiness he longed for.
He never anticipated that happiness wasn’t a place he could find.
My wise friends are trying so hard to inspire the optimism that used to run wild through my soul…
They are trying to awaken the parts of me that made me ….me.
They remind me of…
The smile that could turn their bad day into a shot of inspiration.
The gaze that made them feel like they could LITERALLY
Everything they say is…
The truth my future self will one day acknowledge and accept….(He taught me….blah blah blah and now I am so much better off because…I know blah blah blah about myself…)
The only problem is that…at this exact moment…I am at an energy deficit. I simply don’t have the strength or the power to be my usual wise “big picture” self. I am completely incapable of stepping away from the emotions I feel ravaging through my bones.
I can’t seem to get off this roller-coaster of emotion.
All I can feel in this moment is complete devastation and loss…
How did my wise, big-hearted self even get here…?
I remember the moment when I made a decision to go all in….
I had the capital…I had the perfect pretty eyes staring back at me.
The Universe hadn’t failed me yet…
So…I went all in…
I gave him the key to my heart.
I allowed myself to love fearlessly in his arms.
He adored it.
He sold me on our future.
He didn’t hesitate to put forward the work it would take to build a successful future together.
It was W O N D E R F U L
It felt like the Universe had finally saw me and literally brought me to my soul-mate.
It wasn’t always easy…but…
I remember almost every night I would look over and see him sleeping so peacefully & just take a deep breath in and appreciate him…and all that he was.
I could really S E E him.
I saw his flaws.
I saw his weaknesses.
I saw his insecurity…
But I just admired his journey & appreciated the fact that I could be a part of it.
I love him.
I loved him.
I loved the fact that I knew I could help guide him through his journey to becoming his best self.
I hate him.
I love him.
I hate that I love him.
I hate the fact that he isn’t strong enough to fight for us.
The Unraveling of it all-
Not long ago…
I just knew.
I knew him.
I knew what he was going through.
I could feel the struggles he was having internally…
I could see through the barriers he was putting up to avoid facing his own doubts and fears.
These feelings of understanding only made me feel closer to him. A closeness I now fear was created by the optimism that undoubtedly engineered my false reality.
Did I ever really see him?
Was I the only one who was T R U L Y loving whole-heartedly?
Was I alone in this love the entire time?
Yes and No:
I did see him.
I saw every part of him that he allowed me to see.
He loved me.
He loved me as much as he could love me.
I wasn’t alone…
I just didn’t realize my reality was built on optimism and false hope.