I never imagined after more than a year that I would still feel…
Sometimes I look back at old pictures.
I see a girl who was filled with so much purity.
So much Happiness.
Things are different.
I keep trying to get back to that girl.
But I can’t find her.
Am I forever broken?
I’m drawn to darkness now.
I truly have to “find” myself again.
A new self.
I’ll never get back to the girl I was.
I need to discover a new version of myself.
One that I respect.
One that is someone I can live with.
I’ve made a lot of discoveries over the last year.
Some that scare me.
Some that I don’t know I can live with.
Some I want to change.
Lately I’ve found myself looking back…towards those fearless days with you.
I miss it.
I miss the girl who believed in love.
I miss the girl who respected love.
Now…I’ve made choices I never thought I would be okay with.
My values- constantly in movement.
I’ve caused others pain in the last year.
Perhaps an inevitable side effect of the pain I felt.
I’ve made some good choices…sometimes.
Then I find myself in that same dark place again.
I need a change.
All of the pain I still feel has nothing to do with what he gave me…
It has everything to do with coming to terms with the loss.
The loss of belief.
The loss of faith.
The loss of the girl I once was.
Who knew one simple heartbreak could change me so much?
It doesn’t feel normal?
Perhaps I just feel more than others.
I still won’t ever know why exactly in that moment I decided to go all in with him.
I still wish I could take it back.
Maybe one day…it will all make sense.